“I vow that no matter what challenges may carry us apart, we will always find a way back to each other.”
- Nicholas Sparks, “The vow”
Im drowning and i’m desperately trying to get out. Everything’s wrong, blood rains from the clouds, water doesn’t boil, roses bloom at midnight. I’m walking but i can’t seem to get anywhere. Something sticks to the bottom of my feet, i reach down to brush it off but instead i’m staring down straight into the face of my disappointment and confusion.
More often than not, I feel the overwhelming weight of the expectations people pile on me. I hear the words before they even utter the sentences. At first i wear them proudly like a medal i’ve rightfully earned but now i’m staggering under the sheer weight and i’m struggling to stay afloat.
“What isit about childhood that never leaves you, even when you’re so wrecked?”
I’m screaming but no one hears me, or pretends not to. There’s always, always somebody that needs help, more than i do but they don’t see that strong front i’ve always pride myself for, is crumbling down and i’m left to pick the pieces and wondering what went wrong, and where. There is always a fault someone can pick out and when you finish looking at my flaws, you’d realised there’s not much else of me to see. I’m full of holes you can see through and like parts and pieces of a jigsaw, i’m losing a few, I’m incomplete. But look closely and you’ll see that through this holes there is a slight beacon of light shining through, and that’s you. You fill me up with warmth and even though it’s not solid to fill the holes, it is just enough to cover up all my imperfections.
This, i guess i got you to thank. That when everything is falling apart and i’ve failed one too many times, i get up and i stay strong. Just for you.
HL
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I’d like to think that times when you got angry, you’ve misinterpreted my words somehow. That you don’t realise the things i say, the words i so carefully choose do have a hidden meaning between them, that you shouldn’t take things at face value, that maybe i’ve been hurt so bad before, the only word i know that sewed everything back together was that. i just need you to reassure me that everything’s alright, that it wasn’t a big deal because the first cracks in anything is the deepest, right to the core, you can feel the heat of its shame.
Maybe sometimes i just want to be good enough for you, to fill in all the gaps that are missing, to make things flow so smoothly, you wouldn’t have this chance to think, what if? But yet i try so hard, it always backfires, igniting this spark that explodes, then fizzles out.
I understand that it’s part and parcel of a learning process but it does not apply when i keep making the same mistakes over and over again, you do not mind. But it infuriates me that such a simple lesson i am unable to comprehend. And then when i think back i think myself stupid for always acting so childishly but at that moment, at that very second it looked like the most reasonable and logical thing to do.
I try to run away from my mistakes, and when it fails, i learn from it. I don’t want to keep hurting you, but why do i keep making the same ones over and over again?
HL.
You’re all i can ask for and more.
And all i wish for, more than anything else in the world, is for you to be happy.
Don’t you know you’re everything i have?
